Week 13 - How to get along with the In-Laws

“One of the major opportunities the formation of a new marriage offers is that of negotiating relationships between the families the spouses grew up in and the partnership they create through marriage.” – Harper, J.M. & Olsen, S.F. (2005) Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” pg. 327

As a single woman in the late twenties, I still have hope I will find that one guy and get married someday. In the meantime, I am just living life, dealing with my health, tending to my vegetable and herb garden in the backyard, taking classes, working towards becoming something like a Child Life Specialist in a hospital someday or maybe even become one, and take a few classes that not only prepare me for such a career but to also prepare for marriage someday. It has been a win-win situation all around so far.

So, this week I read a couple of chapters out of Bernard Poduska’s “Till Debt do us Part” and James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen’s book titled “Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” They were excellent reads. I would highly recommend all to check it out sometime. I will admit, I was a little hesitant in reading them at first because I am a single person, what much could these books do for me? Turns out, I still found quite a few helpful gems that I could carry with me for the rest of my life and help develop a strong marriage someday.

Families often operate on three different types of rules: Explicit, implicit, and intuitive. When a newly wedded couple learn to recognize all the family rules, they have a better likelihood of getting along with the in-laws. I found this information to be very beneficial. 

Explicit rules are the kind you might find on a sticky note placed on the refrigerator. Some examples consist of stand up straight, don’t buy things foolishly, and don’t talk with your mouth full. One of the rules I grew up with was always pay your debt in full and on time.

Implicit rules are the kind that are taught through nonverbal communication. Some examples are knowing which chair is dad’s at the dinner table, understand there is a family member’s name that is never mentioned, and when mom starts to cry, everyone must cooperate and do what she requests. At my Gramma’s house (my dad’s mother’s home), everyone has their own place at the dinner table. Growing up, I sat in the same chair at mealtime every weekend. I believe my brother and I have switched places as adults though.

Then there are the intuitive rules. These are a little more complex. Poduska mentioned, “Like implicit rules, intuitive rules are also unspoken. But while implicit rules concern more everyday kinds of issues, intuitive rules concern those that are more far reaching” (Poduska, pg. 28). One example is a person doing their best to succeed in life to show their parents all that upbringing was not done in vain. I certainly take this one to heart. I know I have had a rough childhood. I kept going to the hospital for various illnesses beyond anyone’s control. My parents have spent countless sleepless nights, well my mom more than anyone, taking care of me and just essentially trying to keep me alive along with raising my brother, who was fortunately born healthy. I want to repay my parents by doing well in school. No, excel in school and get an excellent job. I want to also repay the medical community by helping kids with their own struggles someday.

So, when a newly wedded couple learn to recognize these three sets of rules their in-laws have, they have a better chance of getting along with the in-laws and develop stronger bonds with their spouse.