Week 12 - Partnership of Equals

“In ancient days councils were conducted with such strict propriety, that no one was allowed to whisper, be weary, leave the room, or get uneasy in the least, until the voice of the Lord, by revelation, or the voice of the council by the Spirit, was obtained, which has not been observed in this Church to the present time.” – M. Russell Ballard Counseling with Our Councils (1997) Pg 41

This week I have read an awesome article given by Dr. Richard B. Miller. The article is called “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” He talked about a few key components in a successful relationship between a married couple within a family.

For instance, parents are the leaders in the family. The kids shouldn’t be in charge or make any major decisions. The parents should be united in their leadership. I think we are all guilty of going to our less lenient parent as a child, asked for something then claimed the stricter parent already gave permission.

For example, when I was about seven, I asked my mom for a new doll. She said no. So, I went to my dad and asked for a new doll. He asked if I asked my mom already. I told him I have, and I was told to ask him instead. He and I made a deal. If I got a 100% on my next spelling test, I would get a new doll. My mom caught on right away on what I have done but she still let my dad keep the deal with me for a short time. Sure enough, I got a 100% on the next spelling test. However, this deal only lasted for a month or so. My mom hated my dad's hoarding habits and really did not appreciate my bedroom getting stuffed with brand new toys about two months later so I no longer got a new toy after each 100% on a spelling test. Parents should have discussions away from the kids and make prior agreements before the kids attempt to undermine the parents.

The third thing Dr. Miller has mentioned was the fact that the parent-child hierarchy dissolves once children become adults. The house rules should still be set but the children are now adults and responsible for their own decisions dealing with their own families. When I turned eighteen, my mom was not as strict with a few rules. I was able to leave the house and hang out with friends through the night without getting chastised, I still did a courtesy call to check in once in awhile though. The fourth topic, which I was most interested in, was a marital relationship should be a partnership.

There is one key statement which stood out to me, “Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, August 1992, p. 6)” (Miller). I think that was a beautiful statement. Neither man nor woman reign dominion over each other. They truly are equal partners. They both tend to their family needs in their own unique ways.

Week 11 - Marriage and Fidelity

“A misconception in the world today is that infidelity involves solely the commission of sexual acts outside of marriage.  However, being completely faithful to one’s spouse requires more than avoiding adultery” - Hawkins et al, 2012, p. 58

As I went through this week’s reading assignments in my Marriage class, there were two main ideas that stood out to me. First of all, marriage contains an intimate relationship between a husband and wife. The second main idea is fidelity is a crucial element in a successful marriage.

I have seen many of my relatives, friends, and their parents develop successful loving relationships. Of course, none have discussed their intimacy with me, as they should. However, they have displayed positive signs of an intimate relationship such as sharing special looks with each other, offering to help one another with chores, and sending each other little notes of appreciation. Being intimate in a marriage is perfectly healthy. B.A. Barlow has stated in his article for the September 1986 edition of the Ensign titled “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage, “But we also believe in the good that can be derived from the appropriate use of intimacy in marriage” (Barlow).

Then there is infidelity that could negatively impact a marriage. As is outlined in Dr. Goddard’s writings:

• Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
• An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
• Extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”
• Relationship declared as “special”

Some of the ways one can overcome infidelity is by heading the following instructions by K.W Matheson in his Ensign September 2009 article Fidelity in Marriage: It’s more than you think, “Fasting, prayer, temple attendance, scripture study, and pondering the Lord’s teachings are essential in helping one remain pure and true to one’s spouse and in healing the relationship” (Matheson, pg. 15).

Some other ways a married couple could defend their marriage and prevent fidelity is by providing clear boundaries with people outside of their marriage and be sure to have an open line of communication with your spouse. 

Clear boundaries helps both the husband and wife understand exactly where each other draw the line in their relationship with other people outside their marriage. After all, Matheson has said,“Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity" (Matheson, pg. 14). 

As for maintaining an open line of communication with your spouse, especially pertaining to fidelity and intimate physical contact, I think Brent Barlow, author of They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage from the September 1986 edition of the Ensign, has said it best, “Talking about this intimate relationship—including the emotional feelings that attend it—can go a long way in strengthening a marriage" (Barlow).

In short, I believe that marriage and fidelity go hand-in-hand. Married couples should only focus on each other in terms of physical intimacy. There should be nobody else between them, or rather, on the side.

Week 10 - How to Deal With a Gridlock

“The Light of Christ lights every man and woman who comes to mortality. That Light knows that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man or woman comes to a healthy relationship without His prospering principles.” – H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, author of Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg. 146

I had the great opportunity to read yet another very informative chapter from Dr. Gottman’s book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In this particular chapter, I have learned about this thing called Gridlock. Getting gridlocked happens when partners can’t find a way to accommodate irreconcilable differences, or perpetual disagreements. A few examples of perpetual disagreements would be the wife wants to baptize the child, but the husband would rather raise an agnostic child. The husband wants to buy a speedboat, but the wife wants to go back to school.

I have also learned about how to overcome getting gridlocked in just a few steps.

Step One: Recognizing Dreams

It is best to sit down with a loved one such as a spouse, family member, or friend and calmly talk about each other’s dreams, wishes, hopes, and ambitions. Lately I have been doing my best to voice my thoughts in a calm manner with my mom and other loved ones when we discuss what we want to do or what we want to see happen in our life.

Step Two: Soothe

In my opinion, the primary goal of avoiding a gridlock is to comfort your spouse or other person in question. Please don’t belittle their dream. Reassure them that their thoughts are valid and important to you. I know sometimes I tend to get mad and struggle to think outward, thus take into account how the other person has been affected. However, once I realize that the other person is hurt, I calm down and focus on soothing them and reassure their thoughts, feelings, and dreams are perfectly valid.

Step Three: Reach a Temporary Compromise via The Two-Circle Method

I learned a new thing in Dr. Gottman’s book. When you are in an argument with another person, just sit in another room from them and the two of you should draw two circles. The smaller circle inside the bigger one. The smaller circle should have wishes that you will not change on whereas the bigger circle should have wishes you can be flexible with. Hopefully there will be more written in the bigger circle rather than the little one. Then the two of you meet up again and compare circles. Then decide which statements you two are willing to work with together.

Step Four: Say “Thank You”

Always be sure to thank your loved one for being willing to listen to you and show gratitude for all they do. Dr. Gottman has put it best, “Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt” (Gottman, pg. 283).

I think if you do all four steps and you incorporate some of Christ’s teachings of love and charity, you can overcome getting gridlocked in almost any situation.

Week 9 - Anger is a Choice!

“Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” – Elder Lynn G. Robbins member of the Quorum of the Seventy for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

This week I had the great opportunity in my Marriage class to study a talk given by Elder Lynn G. Robbins. As I read, I thought back to my childhood and how much I have matured over the years.

You see, growing up, I actually had quite a bit of a temper. There were times when I yelled and screamed at my brother so much that I actually lost my voice for a few hours. I used to fight and argue with him on a regular basis. I often felt like I just couldn’t help it. My brother just got me so mad sometimes.

But it turns out I have been lying to myself all these years. Elder Robbins has said, “A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.” Yeah, Satan can be pretty convincing. I let myself fall to anger and went after my brother each time he agitated me. I have thrown numerous dolls, shoes, and other various items at my brother whenever he ducked out of my reach.

As I got older, I have learned that the Lord has given us agency. In fact, Elder Robbins has said, “The Lord expects us to make the choice not to become angry.” The Lord has indeed given us a choice not to get angry. It has been tough, but I have been working on my temper. I would like to become a better person and treat others with fairness rather than anger. After all, Elder Robbins has also mentioned, “Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control. It is the thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior.”

Jesus Christ never acts out of anger. He provides the perfect example on how we should treat each other, especially our spouse and other loved ones. Dr. H.W. Goddard, author of Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, once said, "We can follow Christ's example and act to serve and redeem our partners, or we can crab and complain that we have not gotten what we deserve."

Another thing that I really liked about Elder Robbins talk is how he gave hope to all the readers and listeners by teaching us the fact that just by learning the connection between anger and agency can help us get better. Elder Robbins said, “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives.”

One of the final things Elder Robbins stated was, “We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now.” The reason why I love this is because we don’t have to wait to make ourselves better. We can start immediately. I know I still have little bouts of anger with my mom and a few other people from time to time. Some may not believe it, but it does happen. I know I can take control of my anger today. Right now.