Motivating and Praising Your Child (Parenting Skills Post Three)

Some parents are quick to use bribes because it resolves the problem immediately. It gives the false sense of being a shortcut to parenting a child the right way when in actuality it ends up becoming more damaging to the child’s character and sense of self-worth. A parent may also be quick to bribes because the scriptures appear to indicate even Heavenly Father uses bribery. A few instances are as follow: “Pay your tithing and the windows of heaven will open (see Malachi 3:10). Keep the commandments and you'll inherit eternal life (see D&C 14:7). Obey the Word of Wisdom and you'll find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge (see D&C 89-18-21)” (Dennis, para. 3).

            The goal of parenting is to encourage children to reach their best potential. Parents are supposed to be a source of good and influence their children to grow up and become the best individuals they can be in today’s society. If a parent can raise a child without bribing and coercing into making the right decisions, then the child should be able to think for themselves and make a decision on their own. When a child grows up, becomes a positive influence upon younger generations, and leaves a good, lasting impact upon the community, then that means the parent has done their job in raising the child in a meaningful way.

I think the most important recommended practice that many parents should heed to is the fact that the best rewards aren’t physical nor material. When a child is raised to only do things for material things, they are more likely to grow up only doing things for physical or material rewards. It becomes harder for the child to just appreciate the good they have done or do service just out of the pureness of their heart as they get older. Personally, I had some trouble transitioning from getting a new toy each time I got a hundred percent on a spelling test to just appreciating the mere fact that I studied hard and got a hundred percent without expecting a new toy anymore. I was disappointed at first when my dad stopped taking me to the toy store every Friday afternoon but thankfully, I did manage to grow up and stop accepting material rewards for good grades. I am sure that other kids would struggle just as much as I have, maybe even more so. Also, it was a relief for my mom, I'm sure she started to have trouble finding me within the pile of stuffed animals and dolls I've gotten for good grades.

Photo from Google Images

There are ways to help motivate children besides through bribery. Many children have a thing called “grit.” Sturman and Zappala-Piemme have defined grit as, “To sustain a focused effort to achieve success in a task, regardless of the challenges that present themselves, and the ability to overcome setbacks” (Sturman and Zappala-Piemme). Children with a growth mindset tend to have more grit. A “gritty” child may possess the following characteristics such as doing more hours of deliberate practice, resilience, they learn at all cost, they know that working hard can make them smarter, they can elevate expectations, and they have a higher level of self-esteem. When you motivate a child through their grit, they may feel more accomplished as they complete a task.

However, there are some things to keep in mind. Some of the dangers of inappropriately praising a child could lead to them becoming entitled, spoiled, boost their self-esteem but make them not bother improving their skillset. When a child is praised for every little thing that they do, they may certainly develop a higher level of self-esteem, but it won’t motivate them to increase their effort on any task nor improve the results. Inappropriately praising a child won’t help the child build character. So, there is a fine balance in motivating the child the right way and the wrong way.

Photo from Google Images

Growing up, I was hospitalized a lot due to my health issues. Yeah, I was born with quite a few health problems that threatened to interfere with my studies. I am truly thankful to have a mom and very attentive teachers as a child. One teacher, who also happened to become good friends with my grandmother, even came to visit me in the hospital after one of my countless operations. Looking back, I don’t even remember which surgery it was, either it was to remove a bad kidney or yet another bowel operation. Anyway, I digress. The point is, my teacher recognized that I had grit. I did not want to give up on my studies, even at a young age. She has dropped off my math and spelling homework. As soon as I was mentally aware of my surroundings and I wanted to work on my homework, there it was, my assignments were ready and waiting on my food table.

All in all, praising a child for who they are, rather than just what they did, can really help motivate a child to learn and grow no matter what life throws at them.

Photo from Google Images

References

Dennis, S. What's the Problem with Bribes?

Sturman, E. D., & Zappala-Piemme, K. (2017). Development of the grit scale for children and adults and its relation to student efficacy, test anxiety, and academic performance. Learning and Individual Differences, 59, 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.lindif.2017.08.004

Emotions (Parenting Skills Post Two)

As I have studied the quotes given by the previous Prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through a book written by H. W. Goddard titled The Soft-Spoken Parent: 55 Strategies for Preventing Contention with Your Children, I have seen that the prophets in these quotes differentiate between experiencing anger as an emotion and acting out in anger toward our children by talking about the effect it has upon a child. When we punish children, they end up hurt physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, if we learn to guide children in love and faith, as Brigham Young as said, “parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness” (Goddard, p. 24) then we can raise righteous children.

There is a wonderful video hosted by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman that went over just how crucial it is to be aware of a child’s emotions.

They go over some insightful points such as how emotional intelligence is when a child is encouraged not to dismiss their own feelings, emphasize with others, and put their emotions into words.

Dr. John Gottman has created yet another video regarding emotional health

I would like to encourage people to also check out this fantastic video.

Emotional Health | Dr. John Gottman

In this next video, Dr. Gottman mentioned five key steps in helping a child with their emotions. Those steps are:

1)    Notice kid’s emotions, even smaller emotions.

a.     Even if the child is upset about not going into the washing machine with their teddy bear, at least acknowledge those emotions.

2)    Help the kid feel understood. Be compassionate, validate the kid’s emotions.

a.     When a child is upset about a squashed bug, be compassionate and let them know the bug is in a better place now.

3)    Help kid verbally label what they are feeling.

a.     When the child is upset and wants to hit or throw things, tell them to sit down and take a few deep breaths. Encourage them to use their words as you help them identify what they are feelings.

                                                        i.     For example, a child is crying about the ice cream truck passing by. You state, “You missed the ice cream truck.” The child says, “Yeah.” You state, “So you feel sad.” The child may then say, “Yeah. I’m sad.”

4)    Help them understand their feelings, where they come from.

a.     Again, with the ice cream truck scenario, help the child recognize why they might feel sad. “You’re sad because you wanted ice cream.” The child may respond with, “Yeah.”

5)    Set limits on emotions.

a.     Help the child understand it is okay to have these emotions but there is a time and place for certain emotions. Depending on the family, a funeral is usually not the best place to giggle continuously through the service.

In other words, parents should learn to do the following key things:
LISTEN to the child

VALIDATE the child’s feelings

TREAT the child with dignity

For instance, when I was a child, if I was upset about something and started to have a fit, my mom would tell me to calm down and use my words. She would help talk me through whatever emotions I was going through. After I’ve used my words, she listened to my concerns, worries, and needs. She validated my emotions by acknowledging them. Next, she treated me with dignity by helping me cope with my needs or gave me safe alternative choices if I couldn’t have what I wanted right then and there, such as, you know, that favorite pink t-shirt that was still in the laundry.

According to Snyder, Stoolmiller, Wilson, and Yamamoto, “Adept coaching by parents entails awareness of children's emotions, validation of emotional experiences, helping children label emotional states, and collaborative problem solving to address circumstances that evoked the emotion.”

Now, back to Goddard’s book, I have noticed a few similarities amongst most of the quotes. Most talk about treating children with kindness such as when President Brigham Young stated, “that kind words and loving actions towards children, will subdue their uneducated natures a great deal better than the rod” (Goddard, p. 21), when Joseph F. Smith mentioned, “Speak to them kindly” (Goddard, p. 25), and when President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “May God help us to be a little kinder, showing forth greater forbearance, to be more forgiving, more willing to walk the second mile, to reach down and lift up those who may have sinned but have brought forth the fruits of repentance, to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more” (Goddard, p. 28). Some other themes I have noticed throughout the quotes were repentance, just love the children, forgiveness, our agency, and having faith in Jesus Christ.

When we treat children with kindness and respect, the child has a better chance of developing emotional intelligence. The child will be able to grow and develop into a productive member of society that will be slow to anger and able to formulate their thoughts and feelings in a manner without throwing a temper tantrum or creating chaos. They will be able to recognize their own anger and other feelings then they can move on.

References

Goddard, H. W. The Soft-Spoken Parent: 55 Strategies for Preventing Contention with Your Children. Leatherwood Press, 2012.

Snyder, J., Stoolmiller, M., Wilson, M., & Yamamoto, M. (2003). Child Anger Regulation, Parental Responses to Children’s Anger Displays, and Early Child Antisocial Behavior. Social Development, 12(3), 335–360. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9507.00237