Emotions (Parenting Skills Post Two)

As I have studied the quotes given by the previous Prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through a book written by H. W. Goddard titled The Soft-Spoken Parent: 55 Strategies for Preventing Contention with Your Children, I have seen that the prophets in these quotes differentiate between experiencing anger as an emotion and acting out in anger toward our children by talking about the effect it has upon a child. When we punish children, they end up hurt physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, if we learn to guide children in love and faith, as Brigham Young as said, “parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness” (Goddard, p. 24) then we can raise righteous children.

There is a wonderful video hosted by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman that went over just how crucial it is to be aware of a child’s emotions.

They go over some insightful points such as how emotional intelligence is when a child is encouraged not to dismiss their own feelings, emphasize with others, and put their emotions into words.

Dr. John Gottman has created yet another video regarding emotional health

I would like to encourage people to also check out this fantastic video.

Emotional Health | Dr. John Gottman

In this next video, Dr. Gottman mentioned five key steps in helping a child with their emotions. Those steps are:

1)    Notice kid’s emotions, even smaller emotions.

a.     Even if the child is upset about not going into the washing machine with their teddy bear, at least acknowledge those emotions.

2)    Help the kid feel understood. Be compassionate, validate the kid’s emotions.

a.     When a child is upset about a squashed bug, be compassionate and let them know the bug is in a better place now.

3)    Help kid verbally label what they are feeling.

a.     When the child is upset and wants to hit or throw things, tell them to sit down and take a few deep breaths. Encourage them to use their words as you help them identify what they are feelings.

                                                        i.     For example, a child is crying about the ice cream truck passing by. You state, “You missed the ice cream truck.” The child says, “Yeah.” You state, “So you feel sad.” The child may then say, “Yeah. I’m sad.”

4)    Help them understand their feelings, where they come from.

a.     Again, with the ice cream truck scenario, help the child recognize why they might feel sad. “You’re sad because you wanted ice cream.” The child may respond with, “Yeah.”

5)    Set limits on emotions.

a.     Help the child understand it is okay to have these emotions but there is a time and place for certain emotions. Depending on the family, a funeral is usually not the best place to giggle continuously through the service.

In other words, parents should learn to do the following key things:
LISTEN to the child

VALIDATE the child’s feelings

TREAT the child with dignity

For instance, when I was a child, if I was upset about something and started to have a fit, my mom would tell me to calm down and use my words. She would help talk me through whatever emotions I was going through. After I’ve used my words, she listened to my concerns, worries, and needs. She validated my emotions by acknowledging them. Next, she treated me with dignity by helping me cope with my needs or gave me safe alternative choices if I couldn’t have what I wanted right then and there, such as, you know, that favorite pink t-shirt that was still in the laundry.

According to Snyder, Stoolmiller, Wilson, and Yamamoto, “Adept coaching by parents entails awareness of children's emotions, validation of emotional experiences, helping children label emotional states, and collaborative problem solving to address circumstances that evoked the emotion.”

Now, back to Goddard’s book, I have noticed a few similarities amongst most of the quotes. Most talk about treating children with kindness such as when President Brigham Young stated, “that kind words and loving actions towards children, will subdue their uneducated natures a great deal better than the rod” (Goddard, p. 21), when Joseph F. Smith mentioned, “Speak to them kindly” (Goddard, p. 25), and when President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “May God help us to be a little kinder, showing forth greater forbearance, to be more forgiving, more willing to walk the second mile, to reach down and lift up those who may have sinned but have brought forth the fruits of repentance, to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more” (Goddard, p. 28). Some other themes I have noticed throughout the quotes were repentance, just love the children, forgiveness, our agency, and having faith in Jesus Christ.

When we treat children with kindness and respect, the child has a better chance of developing emotional intelligence. The child will be able to grow and develop into a productive member of society that will be slow to anger and able to formulate their thoughts and feelings in a manner without throwing a temper tantrum or creating chaos. They will be able to recognize their own anger and other feelings then they can move on.

References

Goddard, H. W. The Soft-Spoken Parent: 55 Strategies for Preventing Contention with Your Children. Leatherwood Press, 2012.

Snyder, J., Stoolmiller, M., Wilson, M., & Yamamoto, M. (2003). Child Anger Regulation, Parental Responses to Children’s Anger Displays, and Early Child Antisocial Behavior. Social Development, 12(3), 335–360. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-9507.00237