Motivating and Praising Your Child (Parenting Skills Post Three)

Some parents are quick to use bribes because it resolves the problem immediately. It gives the false sense of being a shortcut to parenting a child the right way when in actuality it ends up becoming more damaging to the child’s character and sense of self-worth. A parent may also be quick to bribes because the scriptures appear to indicate even Heavenly Father uses bribery. A few instances are as follow: “Pay your tithing and the windows of heaven will open (see Malachi 3:10). Keep the commandments and you'll inherit eternal life (see D&C 14:7). Obey the Word of Wisdom and you'll find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge (see D&C 89-18-21)” (Dennis, para. 3).

            The goal of parenting is to encourage children to reach their best potential. Parents are supposed to be a source of good and influence their children to grow up and become the best individuals they can be in today’s society. If a parent can raise a child without bribing and coercing into making the right decisions, then the child should be able to think for themselves and make a decision on their own. When a child grows up, becomes a positive influence upon younger generations, and leaves a good, lasting impact upon the community, then that means the parent has done their job in raising the child in a meaningful way.

I think the most important recommended practice that many parents should heed to is the fact that the best rewards aren’t physical nor material. When a child is raised to only do things for material things, they are more likely to grow up only doing things for physical or material rewards. It becomes harder for the child to just appreciate the good they have done or do service just out of the pureness of their heart as they get older. Personally, I had some trouble transitioning from getting a new toy each time I got a hundred percent on a spelling test to just appreciating the mere fact that I studied hard and got a hundred percent without expecting a new toy anymore. I was disappointed at first when my dad stopped taking me to the toy store every Friday afternoon but thankfully, I did manage to grow up and stop accepting material rewards for good grades. I am sure that other kids would struggle just as much as I have, maybe even more so. Also, it was a relief for my mom, I'm sure she started to have trouble finding me within the pile of stuffed animals and dolls I've gotten for good grades.

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There are ways to help motivate children besides through bribery. Many children have a thing called “grit.” Sturman and Zappala-Piemme have defined grit as, “To sustain a focused effort to achieve success in a task, regardless of the challenges that present themselves, and the ability to overcome setbacks” (Sturman and Zappala-Piemme). Children with a growth mindset tend to have more grit. A “gritty” child may possess the following characteristics such as doing more hours of deliberate practice, resilience, they learn at all cost, they know that working hard can make them smarter, they can elevate expectations, and they have a higher level of self-esteem. When you motivate a child through their grit, they may feel more accomplished as they complete a task.

However, there are some things to keep in mind. Some of the dangers of inappropriately praising a child could lead to them becoming entitled, spoiled, boost their self-esteem but make them not bother improving their skillset. When a child is praised for every little thing that they do, they may certainly develop a higher level of self-esteem, but it won’t motivate them to increase their effort on any task nor improve the results. Inappropriately praising a child won’t help the child build character. So, there is a fine balance in motivating the child the right way and the wrong way.

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Growing up, I was hospitalized a lot due to my health issues. Yeah, I was born with quite a few health problems that threatened to interfere with my studies. I am truly thankful to have a mom and very attentive teachers as a child. One teacher, who also happened to become good friends with my grandmother, even came to visit me in the hospital after one of my countless operations. Looking back, I don’t even remember which surgery it was, either it was to remove a bad kidney or yet another bowel operation. Anyway, I digress. The point is, my teacher recognized that I had grit. I did not want to give up on my studies, even at a young age. She has dropped off my math and spelling homework. As soon as I was mentally aware of my surroundings and I wanted to work on my homework, there it was, my assignments were ready and waiting on my food table.

All in all, praising a child for who they are, rather than just what they did, can really help motivate a child to learn and grow no matter what life throws at them.

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References

Dennis, S. What's the Problem with Bribes?

Sturman, E. D., & Zappala-Piemme, K. (2017). Development of the grit scale for children and adults and its relation to student efficacy, test anxiety, and academic performance. Learning and Individual Differences, 59, 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.lindif.2017.08.004