Week 8 - Beware of Pride

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.” – Ezra Taft Benson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 1989

This week in my Marriage class through Brigham Young University-Idaho, I had the great privilege of studying a couple of books and a talk pertaining to Pride, in other words a speech given at church, and it got me thinking about how I have dealt with pride growing up.

For instance, when I was a teenager at this annual three-day family camp for the deaf and hard of hearing, two of my friends and I had to sit through some lecture in the cafeteria with our age group. To be honest, I really do not remember what the lecture was about. The three of us were bored out of our minds. We thought we were too good for whatever the adults were talking about. So, the three of us quietly plotted in the back. It was quite easy to do, since we were able to communicate through sign language. One person would request to use the bathroom, the next person would wait a couple of minutes then do the same. Soon, the three of us were finally outside. We were finally free! Freedom at last! Then it rained. We wanted to go back inside, out of the cold and into a nice, warm building with lots of free hot chocolate. Unfortunately, there was an adult standing guard at the door. They would not let us back in. Something about opening the door might disrupt the lecture inside. So, my two friends and I spent the rest of the lecture standing outside with our faces pressed to the glass as we watched our fellow teenagers get up and grab some hot chocolate then resume listening to the lecture.

This photo from Google Images best depicts the hot chocolate portion of the story above.

There is another time that pride took over in my life. I went through a major bowel surgery about ten years ago. About a foot of small intestines got removed because it caused too many health issues. I recovered in the hospital for over a week. By the tenth day, I have had enough of it. I was done. I wanted to get out. I felt like I was strong enough to take on school. School was about to start in about three days. My family, a discharge nurse, and other medical staff were in the room as I got ready to finally leave. I went into the bathroom one more time, used the toilet, then noticed blood in the water. I bit my bottom lip then flushed. The nurse asked if I was good to go. My lower back hurt like heck and the thought of the toilet flashed back into my mind. I shook off the thought and figured I will overcome it. I can handle anything! I told the nurse I was indeed ready to go. Three days later, I was back in the hospital with kidney failure. I did not even make it through an hour of school. Thankfully I did not end up on dialysis yet.

These two stories of different forms of pride have one major thing in common. Enmity. President Benson has once said that enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” I opposed sitting through a lecture and I did not want to stay in the hospital for much longer. President Benson has stated, “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod.”

When it comes to marriage, I know pride can take hold and cause quite a few rifts. Especially in the form of power-sharing with a spouse. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, author of Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, has said, “Satan will laugh us into conflict and misunderstanding-unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3: 19)” (Goddard, p. 71).

Fortunately, Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Revised edition, has said “…if you’re able to take responsibility for your difficulty with power-sharing, that will be a major leap forward. Your spouse is likely to feel a great sense of relief and renewed optimism about improving your marriage. The next step is to make your partner an ally in your crusade to overcome this problem” (Gottman, p. 136).

In essence, when we humble ourselves, look towards Jesus Christ, serve others, and repent then we can overcome pride.

Photo found through Google Images to depict serving others through Christlike love.

Week 7 - Turning Towards Your Spouse

“Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle.” The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy pg.88

Growing up, I tend to observe my surroundings. Some family members would argue that I am actually pretty oblivious. A few would even go as far as call me Ms. Magoo, a relative of Mr. Magoo, the blind little old man that fumbled and stumbled everywhere. He got into all sorts of clueless, silly mischief.

I would have to partially agree with them, I do tend to miss certain cues and brief events due to my hearing impairment and the fact I am just not that street smart. However, I am not completely oblivious like Mr. Magoo. I do tend to pay attention to surroundings when it really counts. I like to observe and learn how some people interact with each other. I have watched friends and family interact with their spouse or significant other. They care for one another in multiple, small ways by responding to something called “bids” just as Dr. John M. Gottman, a marital psychologist, has said in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy. It is rather fascinating once you really think about it. Bids, as Dr. Gottman puts it, “can be as minor as asking for a back-rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging relative is ill” (Gottman p. 88). Dr. Gottman's book defines bids as a way a married couple (or rather any pair of people, in my opinion) attempt to get each other's attention, affection, humor, or support

I would like to say I always pay attention to the bids of other people, but that is not the case. Sometimes, it goes over my head due to technology occupying my time or my feelings taking over my mind. Technology can hinder bids for attention by occupying a person through video games or social media. Feelings can hinder bids for attention such as making a person reluctant to help the other person because of something as trivial as the other person ate the last cookie the first person has been saving.

When I do notice the bids, I do my best to help the best I can. My mom would say the trash has been taken out but there weren’t any new liners in the kitchen and bathroom trashcans yet. I took that to mean I should put new trashcan liners, or trash bags, in place. After I did that minor task, my mom offered to put on some hot water so we could sit and watch a movie on Netflix as we had hot chocolate for the night. By listening to her bid, we were able to strengthen our mother-daughter relationship.

Dr. Gottman has mentioned a couple of his own examples of what a bid could be in his book. For instance, when a married couple was out shopping for groceries, the wife asked her husband if they were out of butter. Her bid was asking for butter. The husband answered the bid by telling her he wasn't sure, but he will get some just to be on the safe side. He could have chosen to ignore the bid by shrugging and move on to the next task. Another example from Dr. Gottman's book would have to be when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work so you send them a text to cheer them up. This example could be an example of either a bid of affection or support.

I can see how picking up on other people’s bids for attention can help develop and strengthen a relationship. I can also see how it can help improve a marital relationship as well. Hollywood really does have it all wrong. I know I am single, but I can still see how marriage isn’t some huge fanfare of actions that create a hot and sizzling relationship. It’s all the small acts mixed in with a couple of bigger events.

Week 6 - Fondness and Admiration

“There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy pg. 57

When it comes to family and relationships within the family, as I have gotten older, I have learned to really appreciate each relative. We all have our similarities and differences. Sure, a few of them occasionally get on my nerves but I still love them. I have family members that I am pretty close to emotionally even if they do live far from me and yet I also have relatives that live close to me, but I don’t feel emotionally close to them.

I have wondered about this strange phenomenon. Then I read a few chapters from Dr. John Gottman’s revised copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman has said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance” (Gottman, p 69). Okay, so I don’t exactly have a romantic relationship with my relatives. That would be kind of weird. But I still understood the point. I do have a fondness and admiration for my relatives that live in another State. I admire their integrity, kindness, and positivity through life. When they still lived in the same State that I live in, they were always physically there for me, willing to help me through whatever trial I asked them to help me with.

As I sat back and continued to read Dr. Gottman’s book, I wondered how I can develop a better relationship with some family members. I wanted to develop a stronger fondness and admiration for those family members. That is when I came across another passage on page 71 that answered this very question, “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating” (Gottman, p 71). Again, just like with the romance in the previous statement, I figured this statement could also be true for family members in general, and not just spouses. Many know that I occasionally struggle to get along with my brother.

After reading this, I know that I can get along with my brother if I just remind myself of all his positive qualities such as the time my brother stood up for me at a park. A skateboarder nearly ran me over at the park, the skater shouted something at me, but I could not hear due to my hearing impairment. However, I did hear my brother shout back, “Dude! Back off! My sister’s deaf, okay?”

Another way we can develop fondness and admiration for our loved ones such as spouses and other family members is by putting our loved ones’ needs before our own. I mean this in a healthy way, of course. Elder Henry B. Eyring, a member of the Twelve Apostles of Jesus Christ in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has once given a talk titled, “Our Perfect Example.” In this talk, he explained just what putting our loved ones’ needs before our own does through the following statement, “…The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is.”

I know that by developing a fondness and admiration for our spouse, or any family member, through recollections of positive traits of that person and looking after their welfare, we can certainly create a stronger bond* with that person that can last for eternity.

*Disclaimer: This can only work in a healthy way if both people are willing to care for one another.

Purpose of this Blog

Welcome to my blog!

I have initially created this blog for a course I am taking through Brigham Young University Idaho's online program called Marriage. I am currently working towards a Bachelor's degree in Marriage and Family. The other reasons why I have created this blog are as follows:

• People can gain a better understanding on the importance of traditional marriage
• Learn how to develop a better relationship with loved ones
• Learn how to appreciate loved ones in your life more
• Have a place to put my organized thoughts, opinions, and insight from my recent studies pertaining to this major.

I hope this blog will benefit people in some way. Enjoy!

Week 5 - How to Overcome Marital Conflict

“The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict.” – Kyle Benson “The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science”

The other day I have read a very informative article on relationships. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do not normally read dating and relationship stuff from places such as Teen Vogue or whatever the general population seems to devour these days. I am more of a Discover or National Geographic kind of magazine fan. However, I came across this article assigned for my Marriage class.

The opening quote I have mentioned at the beginning of this post came from said article. Kyle went on to talk about how a healthy relationship functions best at a five to one ratio. Meaning, the couple incorporate five positive interactions and just one negative to any conflict they have to work out together.

This got me thinking about how easy it is to focus on negative things. After all, the natural man tends to hold to the bad. When it comes to relationships and marriage, the natural man does not support long-lasting, healthy, eternal marriages. There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ that described the natural man perfectly. It is in Mosiah chapter 3 verse 19:

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

With that said, in terms of overcoming the natural man, I have thought about what I have learned from my own life. It is best to be meek, humble, patient, full of love, and willing to submit rather than harsh when it comes to conflict. Otherwise both parties may end up getting hurt.

For instance, when I was a teenager, my dad was dating this one lady. She wanted to watch a TV show while I had another show in mind. I got pretty stubborn and chose to ignore my dad for the rest of the night. This ended up hurting both my dad and I. I have learned later on to calmly voice my feelings and compromise with him and his girlfriend at the time when it came to which TV show we were going to watch for that evening. Sure, this example is more of a father/daughter relationship rather than a marital one but I hope you understand what I mean.

Which brings us back to the article I have mentioned at the beginning. In order to keep off the natural man during conflict within a relationship, the article talked about five good interactions a couple should utilize in a discussion such as be interested, express affection, demonstrate they matter, intentional appreciation, and find opportunities for agreement. When a person does these five things along with one negative interaction, they really can put off the natural man and develop a better relationship after they resolve a conflict.

Week 4 - Covenant Marriage

“Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” – Elder Bruce C. Hafen

This week I read this really great talk given by Elder Bruce C. Hafen. He is part of the Quorum of the Seventy in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In it, he talked about the importance of a covenant marriage. In it, he mentioned the three wolves which test all marriages.

The first wolf is natural adversity, this is where things just happen of their own accord. One example would have to be a child in the family passing away. The second wolf one’s own imperfections, this is when a spouse’s imperfection affects the marriage in a negative way. One example in a marital setting would have to be how the wife walked bothered the husband and the husband failed to boost her self-confidence instead. The third wolf is excessive individualism, this is where Satan exploits the sense of belonging. One example in a marital setting would have to be when a co-worker tells a guy that he should not have to obey everything his wife asks him to do such as picking up milk from the store on the way home from work. The guy is his own man and he should do what he wants.

I feel that excessive individualism tends to threaten marriages the most. We all want to be strong and independent. Satan tends to mock couples, whether they are married or not. Women tend to be considered weak, especially if they choose to be a stay-at-home mom. Men are considered “whipped” if they help around the house or run a few errands to help support the family. As Elder Hafen has said later in his talk, “[Satan] drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone.”

I have seen excessive individualism take hold of some loved ones in my own life. My dad chose to do his own thing in the garage rather than stop for fifteen minutes and come in the house to watch my brother and I so my mom could go to the grocery store. My mom had to dress me up in “thrasher” clothes, which were basically a pair of overalls, a t-shirt, and shoes that could get dirty from car grease and oil, then stick me in the garage with my dad.

However, the gospel Jesus Christ encourages men and women to support and lift each other up. A covenanted companionship is the ultimate way for men and women to get married. I think Elder David A. Bednar, a member of the Quorum of the twelve Apostles in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has stated the following beautifully, “The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfected in Him” (Moro. 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.”

I have seen families defy excessive individualism by demonstrating teamwork in their marriage. There is a missionary couple that help run a local Institute of religion that is across the street from a community college. The Institute is a place where people can attend bible classes and learn more about Jesus Christ. The building also has a kitchen, mini library, and plenty of chairs for people to study, relax, and socialize. There is even a game room with a pool table, foosball, air hockey, and table tennis. This missionary couple helps provide snacks after every evening bible class. I have seen the husband help carry some of the food into the building and the wife helps prepare the food for all the students. They grow closer to Christ by doing this Christlike service alongside each other.

I know that as men and women develop a covenanted relationship through marriage and their primary focus is towards Jesus Christ, they truly can develop a strong, eternal bond. I have seen it in my friends and relatives.