Week 7 - Turning Towards Your Spouse

“Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle.” The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy pg.88

Growing up, I tend to observe my surroundings. Some family members would argue that I am actually pretty oblivious. A few would even go as far as call me Ms. Magoo, a relative of Mr. Magoo, the blind little old man that fumbled and stumbled everywhere. He got into all sorts of clueless, silly mischief.

I would have to partially agree with them, I do tend to miss certain cues and brief events due to my hearing impairment and the fact I am just not that street smart. However, I am not completely oblivious like Mr. Magoo. I do tend to pay attention to surroundings when it really counts. I like to observe and learn how some people interact with each other. I have watched friends and family interact with their spouse or significant other. They care for one another in multiple, small ways by responding to something called “bids” just as Dr. John M. Gottman, a marital psychologist, has said in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy. It is rather fascinating once you really think about it. Bids, as Dr. Gottman puts it, “can be as minor as asking for a back-rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging relative is ill” (Gottman p. 88). Dr. Gottman's book defines bids as a way a married couple (or rather any pair of people, in my opinion) attempt to get each other's attention, affection, humor, or support

I would like to say I always pay attention to the bids of other people, but that is not the case. Sometimes, it goes over my head due to technology occupying my time or my feelings taking over my mind. Technology can hinder bids for attention by occupying a person through video games or social media. Feelings can hinder bids for attention such as making a person reluctant to help the other person because of something as trivial as the other person ate the last cookie the first person has been saving.

When I do notice the bids, I do my best to help the best I can. My mom would say the trash has been taken out but there weren’t any new liners in the kitchen and bathroom trashcans yet. I took that to mean I should put new trashcan liners, or trash bags, in place. After I did that minor task, my mom offered to put on some hot water so we could sit and watch a movie on Netflix as we had hot chocolate for the night. By listening to her bid, we were able to strengthen our mother-daughter relationship.

Dr. Gottman has mentioned a couple of his own examples of what a bid could be in his book. For instance, when a married couple was out shopping for groceries, the wife asked her husband if they were out of butter. Her bid was asking for butter. The husband answered the bid by telling her he wasn't sure, but he will get some just to be on the safe side. He could have chosen to ignore the bid by shrugging and move on to the next task. Another example from Dr. Gottman's book would have to be when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work so you send them a text to cheer them up. This example could be an example of either a bid of affection or support.

I can see how picking up on other people’s bids for attention can help develop and strengthen a relationship. I can also see how it can help improve a marital relationship as well. Hollywood really does have it all wrong. I know I am single, but I can still see how marriage isn’t some huge fanfare of actions that create a hot and sizzling relationship. It’s all the small acts mixed in with a couple of bigger events.