“There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy pg. 57
When it comes to family and relationships within the family, as I have gotten older, I have learned to really appreciate each relative. We all have our similarities and differences. Sure, a few of them occasionally get on my nerves but I still love them. I have family members that I am pretty close to emotionally even if they do live far from me and yet I also have relatives that live close to me, but I don’t feel emotionally close to them.
I have wondered about this strange phenomenon. Then I read a few chapters from Dr. John Gottman’s revised copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman has said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance” (Gottman, p 69). Okay, so I don’t exactly have a romantic relationship with my relatives. That would be kind of weird. But I still understood the point. I do have a fondness and admiration for my relatives that live in another State. I admire their integrity, kindness, and positivity through life. When they still lived in the same State that I live in, they were always physically there for me, willing to help me through whatever trial I asked them to help me with.
As I sat back and continued to read Dr. Gottman’s book, I wondered how I can develop a better relationship with some family members. I wanted to develop a stronger fondness and admiration for those family members. That is when I came across another passage on page 71 that answered this very question, “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating” (Gottman, p 71). Again, just like with the romance in the previous statement, I figured this statement could also be true for family members in general, and not just spouses. Many know that I occasionally struggle to get along with my brother.
After reading this, I know that I can get along with my brother if I just remind myself of all his positive qualities such as the time my brother stood up for me at a park. A skateboarder nearly ran me over at the park, the skater shouted something at me, but I could not hear due to my hearing impairment. However, I did hear my brother shout back, “Dude! Back off! My sister’s deaf, okay?”
Another way we can develop fondness and admiration for our loved ones such as spouses and other family members is by putting our loved ones’ needs before our own. I mean this in a healthy way, of course. Elder Henry B. Eyring, a member of the Twelve Apostles of Jesus Christ in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has once given a talk titled, “Our Perfect Example.” In this talk, he explained just what putting our loved ones’ needs before our own does through the following statement, “…The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is.”
I know that by developing a fondness and admiration for our spouse, or any family member, through recollections of positive traits of that person and looking after their welfare, we can certainly create a stronger bond* with that person that can last for eternity.
*Disclaimer: This can only work in a healthy way if both people are willing to care for one another.
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