Week 13 - How to get along with the In-Laws

“One of the major opportunities the formation of a new marriage offers is that of negotiating relationships between the families the spouses grew up in and the partnership they create through marriage.” – Harper, J.M. & Olsen, S.F. (2005) Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” pg. 327

As a single woman in the late twenties, I still have hope I will find that one guy and get married someday. In the meantime, I am just living life, dealing with my health, tending to my vegetable and herb garden in the backyard, taking classes, working towards becoming something like a Child Life Specialist in a hospital someday or maybe even become one, and take a few classes that not only prepare me for such a career but to also prepare for marriage someday. It has been a win-win situation all around so far.

So, this week I read a couple of chapters out of Bernard Poduska’s “Till Debt do us Part” and James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen’s book titled “Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” They were excellent reads. I would highly recommend all to check it out sometime. I will admit, I was a little hesitant in reading them at first because I am a single person, what much could these books do for me? Turns out, I still found quite a few helpful gems that I could carry with me for the rest of my life and help develop a strong marriage someday.

Families often operate on three different types of rules: Explicit, implicit, and intuitive. When a newly wedded couple learn to recognize all the family rules, they have a better likelihood of getting along with the in-laws. I found this information to be very beneficial. 

Explicit rules are the kind you might find on a sticky note placed on the refrigerator. Some examples consist of stand up straight, don’t buy things foolishly, and don’t talk with your mouth full. One of the rules I grew up with was always pay your debt in full and on time.

Implicit rules are the kind that are taught through nonverbal communication. Some examples are knowing which chair is dad’s at the dinner table, understand there is a family member’s name that is never mentioned, and when mom starts to cry, everyone must cooperate and do what she requests. At my Gramma’s house (my dad’s mother’s home), everyone has their own place at the dinner table. Growing up, I sat in the same chair at mealtime every weekend. I believe my brother and I have switched places as adults though.

Then there are the intuitive rules. These are a little more complex. Poduska mentioned, “Like implicit rules, intuitive rules are also unspoken. But while implicit rules concern more everyday kinds of issues, intuitive rules concern those that are more far reaching” (Poduska, pg. 28). One example is a person doing their best to succeed in life to show their parents all that upbringing was not done in vain. I certainly take this one to heart. I know I have had a rough childhood. I kept going to the hospital for various illnesses beyond anyone’s control. My parents have spent countless sleepless nights, well my mom more than anyone, taking care of me and just essentially trying to keep me alive along with raising my brother, who was fortunately born healthy. I want to repay my parents by doing well in school. No, excel in school and get an excellent job. I want to also repay the medical community by helping kids with their own struggles someday.

So, when a newly wedded couple learn to recognize these three sets of rules their in-laws have, they have a better chance of getting along with the in-laws and develop stronger bonds with their spouse.

Week 12 - Partnership of Equals

“In ancient days councils were conducted with such strict propriety, that no one was allowed to whisper, be weary, leave the room, or get uneasy in the least, until the voice of the Lord, by revelation, or the voice of the council by the Spirit, was obtained, which has not been observed in this Church to the present time.” – M. Russell Ballard Counseling with Our Councils (1997) Pg 41

This week I have read an awesome article given by Dr. Richard B. Miller. The article is called “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” He talked about a few key components in a successful relationship between a married couple within a family.

For instance, parents are the leaders in the family. The kids shouldn’t be in charge or make any major decisions. The parents should be united in their leadership. I think we are all guilty of going to our less lenient parent as a child, asked for something then claimed the stricter parent already gave permission.

For example, when I was about seven, I asked my mom for a new doll. She said no. So, I went to my dad and asked for a new doll. He asked if I asked my mom already. I told him I have, and I was told to ask him instead. He and I made a deal. If I got a 100% on my next spelling test, I would get a new doll. My mom caught on right away on what I have done but she still let my dad keep the deal with me for a short time. Sure enough, I got a 100% on the next spelling test. However, this deal only lasted for a month or so. My mom hated my dad's hoarding habits and really did not appreciate my bedroom getting stuffed with brand new toys about two months later so I no longer got a new toy after each 100% on a spelling test. Parents should have discussions away from the kids and make prior agreements before the kids attempt to undermine the parents.

The third thing Dr. Miller has mentioned was the fact that the parent-child hierarchy dissolves once children become adults. The house rules should still be set but the children are now adults and responsible for their own decisions dealing with their own families. When I turned eighteen, my mom was not as strict with a few rules. I was able to leave the house and hang out with friends through the night without getting chastised, I still did a courtesy call to check in once in awhile though. The fourth topic, which I was most interested in, was a marital relationship should be a partnership.

There is one key statement which stood out to me, “Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, August 1992, p. 6)” (Miller). I think that was a beautiful statement. Neither man nor woman reign dominion over each other. They truly are equal partners. They both tend to their family needs in their own unique ways.

Week 11 - Marriage and Fidelity

“A misconception in the world today is that infidelity involves solely the commission of sexual acts outside of marriage.  However, being completely faithful to one’s spouse requires more than avoiding adultery” - Hawkins et al, 2012, p. 58

As I went through this week’s reading assignments in my Marriage class, there were two main ideas that stood out to me. First of all, marriage contains an intimate relationship between a husband and wife. The second main idea is fidelity is a crucial element in a successful marriage.

I have seen many of my relatives, friends, and their parents develop successful loving relationships. Of course, none have discussed their intimacy with me, as they should. However, they have displayed positive signs of an intimate relationship such as sharing special looks with each other, offering to help one another with chores, and sending each other little notes of appreciation. Being intimate in a marriage is perfectly healthy. B.A. Barlow has stated in his article for the September 1986 edition of the Ensign titled “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage, “But we also believe in the good that can be derived from the appropriate use of intimacy in marriage” (Barlow).

Then there is infidelity that could negatively impact a marriage. As is outlined in Dr. Goddard’s writings:

• Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
• An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
• Extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”
• Relationship declared as “special”

Some of the ways one can overcome infidelity is by heading the following instructions by K.W Matheson in his Ensign September 2009 article Fidelity in Marriage: It’s more than you think, “Fasting, prayer, temple attendance, scripture study, and pondering the Lord’s teachings are essential in helping one remain pure and true to one’s spouse and in healing the relationship” (Matheson, pg. 15).

Some other ways a married couple could defend their marriage and prevent fidelity is by providing clear boundaries with people outside of their marriage and be sure to have an open line of communication with your spouse. 

Clear boundaries helps both the husband and wife understand exactly where each other draw the line in their relationship with other people outside their marriage. After all, Matheson has said,“Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity" (Matheson, pg. 14). 

As for maintaining an open line of communication with your spouse, especially pertaining to fidelity and intimate physical contact, I think Brent Barlow, author of They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage from the September 1986 edition of the Ensign, has said it best, “Talking about this intimate relationship—including the emotional feelings that attend it—can go a long way in strengthening a marriage" (Barlow).

In short, I believe that marriage and fidelity go hand-in-hand. Married couples should only focus on each other in terms of physical intimacy. There should be nobody else between them, or rather, on the side.

Week 10 - How to Deal With a Gridlock

“The Light of Christ lights every man and woman who comes to mortality. That Light knows that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man or woman comes to a healthy relationship without His prospering principles.” – H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, author of Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, pg. 146

I had the great opportunity to read yet another very informative chapter from Dr. Gottman’s book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In this particular chapter, I have learned about this thing called Gridlock. Getting gridlocked happens when partners can’t find a way to accommodate irreconcilable differences, or perpetual disagreements. A few examples of perpetual disagreements would be the wife wants to baptize the child, but the husband would rather raise an agnostic child. The husband wants to buy a speedboat, but the wife wants to go back to school.

I have also learned about how to overcome getting gridlocked in just a few steps.

Step One: Recognizing Dreams

It is best to sit down with a loved one such as a spouse, family member, or friend and calmly talk about each other’s dreams, wishes, hopes, and ambitions. Lately I have been doing my best to voice my thoughts in a calm manner with my mom and other loved ones when we discuss what we want to do or what we want to see happen in our life.

Step Two: Soothe

In my opinion, the primary goal of avoiding a gridlock is to comfort your spouse or other person in question. Please don’t belittle their dream. Reassure them that their thoughts are valid and important to you. I know sometimes I tend to get mad and struggle to think outward, thus take into account how the other person has been affected. However, once I realize that the other person is hurt, I calm down and focus on soothing them and reassure their thoughts, feelings, and dreams are perfectly valid.

Step Three: Reach a Temporary Compromise via The Two-Circle Method

I learned a new thing in Dr. Gottman’s book. When you are in an argument with another person, just sit in another room from them and the two of you should draw two circles. The smaller circle inside the bigger one. The smaller circle should have wishes that you will not change on whereas the bigger circle should have wishes you can be flexible with. Hopefully there will be more written in the bigger circle rather than the little one. Then the two of you meet up again and compare circles. Then decide which statements you two are willing to work with together.

Step Four: Say “Thank You”

Always be sure to thank your loved one for being willing to listen to you and show gratitude for all they do. Dr. Gottman has put it best, “Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt” (Gottman, pg. 283).

I think if you do all four steps and you incorporate some of Christ’s teachings of love and charity, you can overcome getting gridlocked in almost any situation.

Week 9 - Anger is a Choice!

“Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” – Elder Lynn G. Robbins member of the Quorum of the Seventy for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

This week I had the great opportunity in my Marriage class to study a talk given by Elder Lynn G. Robbins. As I read, I thought back to my childhood and how much I have matured over the years.

You see, growing up, I actually had quite a bit of a temper. There were times when I yelled and screamed at my brother so much that I actually lost my voice for a few hours. I used to fight and argue with him on a regular basis. I often felt like I just couldn’t help it. My brother just got me so mad sometimes.

But it turns out I have been lying to myself all these years. Elder Robbins has said, “A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.” Yeah, Satan can be pretty convincing. I let myself fall to anger and went after my brother each time he agitated me. I have thrown numerous dolls, shoes, and other various items at my brother whenever he ducked out of my reach.

As I got older, I have learned that the Lord has given us agency. In fact, Elder Robbins has said, “The Lord expects us to make the choice not to become angry.” The Lord has indeed given us a choice not to get angry. It has been tough, but I have been working on my temper. I would like to become a better person and treat others with fairness rather than anger. After all, Elder Robbins has also mentioned, “Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control. It is the thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior.”

Jesus Christ never acts out of anger. He provides the perfect example on how we should treat each other, especially our spouse and other loved ones. Dr. H.W. Goddard, author of Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, once said, "We can follow Christ's example and act to serve and redeem our partners, or we can crab and complain that we have not gotten what we deserve."

Another thing that I really liked about Elder Robbins talk is how he gave hope to all the readers and listeners by teaching us the fact that just by learning the connection between anger and agency can help us get better. Elder Robbins said, “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives.”

One of the final things Elder Robbins stated was, “We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now.” The reason why I love this is because we don’t have to wait to make ourselves better. We can start immediately. I know I still have little bouts of anger with my mom and a few other people from time to time. Some may not believe it, but it does happen. I know I can take control of my anger today. Right now.

Week 8 - Beware of Pride

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind.” – Ezra Taft Benson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 1989

This week in my Marriage class through Brigham Young University-Idaho, I had the great privilege of studying a couple of books and a talk pertaining to Pride, in other words a speech given at church, and it got me thinking about how I have dealt with pride growing up.

For instance, when I was a teenager at this annual three-day family camp for the deaf and hard of hearing, two of my friends and I had to sit through some lecture in the cafeteria with our age group. To be honest, I really do not remember what the lecture was about. The three of us were bored out of our minds. We thought we were too good for whatever the adults were talking about. So, the three of us quietly plotted in the back. It was quite easy to do, since we were able to communicate through sign language. One person would request to use the bathroom, the next person would wait a couple of minutes then do the same. Soon, the three of us were finally outside. We were finally free! Freedom at last! Then it rained. We wanted to go back inside, out of the cold and into a nice, warm building with lots of free hot chocolate. Unfortunately, there was an adult standing guard at the door. They would not let us back in. Something about opening the door might disrupt the lecture inside. So, my two friends and I spent the rest of the lecture standing outside with our faces pressed to the glass as we watched our fellow teenagers get up and grab some hot chocolate then resume listening to the lecture.

This photo from Google Images best depicts the hot chocolate portion of the story above.

There is another time that pride took over in my life. I went through a major bowel surgery about ten years ago. About a foot of small intestines got removed because it caused too many health issues. I recovered in the hospital for over a week. By the tenth day, I have had enough of it. I was done. I wanted to get out. I felt like I was strong enough to take on school. School was about to start in about three days. My family, a discharge nurse, and other medical staff were in the room as I got ready to finally leave. I went into the bathroom one more time, used the toilet, then noticed blood in the water. I bit my bottom lip then flushed. The nurse asked if I was good to go. My lower back hurt like heck and the thought of the toilet flashed back into my mind. I shook off the thought and figured I will overcome it. I can handle anything! I told the nurse I was indeed ready to go. Three days later, I was back in the hospital with kidney failure. I did not even make it through an hour of school. Thankfully I did not end up on dialysis yet.

These two stories of different forms of pride have one major thing in common. Enmity. President Benson has once said that enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” I opposed sitting through a lecture and I did not want to stay in the hospital for much longer. President Benson has stated, “When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod.”

When it comes to marriage, I know pride can take hold and cause quite a few rifts. Especially in the form of power-sharing with a spouse. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, author of Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, has said, “Satan will laugh us into conflict and misunderstanding-unless we yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man (see Mosiah 3: 19)” (Goddard, p. 71).

Fortunately, Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Revised edition, has said “…if you’re able to take responsibility for your difficulty with power-sharing, that will be a major leap forward. Your spouse is likely to feel a great sense of relief and renewed optimism about improving your marriage. The next step is to make your partner an ally in your crusade to overcome this problem” (Gottman, p. 136).

In essence, when we humble ourselves, look towards Jesus Christ, serve others, and repent then we can overcome pride.

Photo found through Google Images to depict serving others through Christlike love.

Week 7 - Turning Towards Your Spouse

“Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle.” The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy pg.88

Growing up, I tend to observe my surroundings. Some family members would argue that I am actually pretty oblivious. A few would even go as far as call me Ms. Magoo, a relative of Mr. Magoo, the blind little old man that fumbled and stumbled everywhere. He got into all sorts of clueless, silly mischief.

I would have to partially agree with them, I do tend to miss certain cues and brief events due to my hearing impairment and the fact I am just not that street smart. However, I am not completely oblivious like Mr. Magoo. I do tend to pay attention to surroundings when it really counts. I like to observe and learn how some people interact with each other. I have watched friends and family interact with their spouse or significant other. They care for one another in multiple, small ways by responding to something called “bids” just as Dr. John M. Gottman, a marital psychologist, has said in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Revised Copy. It is rather fascinating once you really think about it. Bids, as Dr. Gottman puts it, “can be as minor as asking for a back-rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging relative is ill” (Gottman p. 88). Dr. Gottman's book defines bids as a way a married couple (or rather any pair of people, in my opinion) attempt to get each other's attention, affection, humor, or support

I would like to say I always pay attention to the bids of other people, but that is not the case. Sometimes, it goes over my head due to technology occupying my time or my feelings taking over my mind. Technology can hinder bids for attention by occupying a person through video games or social media. Feelings can hinder bids for attention such as making a person reluctant to help the other person because of something as trivial as the other person ate the last cookie the first person has been saving.

When I do notice the bids, I do my best to help the best I can. My mom would say the trash has been taken out but there weren’t any new liners in the kitchen and bathroom trashcans yet. I took that to mean I should put new trashcan liners, or trash bags, in place. After I did that minor task, my mom offered to put on some hot water so we could sit and watch a movie on Netflix as we had hot chocolate for the night. By listening to her bid, we were able to strengthen our mother-daughter relationship.

Dr. Gottman has mentioned a couple of his own examples of what a bid could be in his book. For instance, when a married couple was out shopping for groceries, the wife asked her husband if they were out of butter. Her bid was asking for butter. The husband answered the bid by telling her he wasn't sure, but he will get some just to be on the safe side. He could have chosen to ignore the bid by shrugging and move on to the next task. Another example from Dr. Gottman's book would have to be when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work so you send them a text to cheer them up. This example could be an example of either a bid of affection or support.

I can see how picking up on other people’s bids for attention can help develop and strengthen a relationship. I can also see how it can help improve a marital relationship as well. Hollywood really does have it all wrong. I know I am single, but I can still see how marriage isn’t some huge fanfare of actions that create a hot and sizzling relationship. It’s all the small acts mixed in with a couple of bigger events.